My own personal work and my work with others has shown me again and again that it is very common for shame to be disempowering for people. It's the nature of shame that it hides, and so the consequences of carrying shame can show up in every area of life and with no clear sense of the cause. I want you to know, however, that there's no shame in harboring shame and you can free yourself once you come to see it for what it is.

Shame vs. Guilt

Guilt is believing that one has done something bad; shame is believing that one is bad. Guilt would be admitting you have been mistaken, insensitive, unethical, self-critical, scared, negligent, stupid, masochistic, or depressed. These are things you can do something about when you're fully empowered. Shame, on the other hand, is disempowering because it comes with the inner experience of being "not wanted". It can show up as feeling inadequate or broadly dissatisfied with yourself. You may feel unlovable and feel there is nothing you can do about it.

"But, why?"

Psychologists tell us the root causes of shame come from early family dynamics. You're definitely in the minority if you somehow avoided one of the many childhood events that cause shame in later life. If your parents were neglectful or controlling, you could still be carrying shame. If your parents were abusive or if family roles were blurred, you may have heard the message that there is something wrong with you. With all the circumstances that have potential to breed shame, it would be rare that you escaped this phenomenon entirely.

At some point or other, you may have internalized the idea that you are not OK, that there is something fundamentally wrong about you. It could have happened in one brief encounter with a family member or it could have been from a repeated message over time. In any case, if you took it on, then it may still remain "true" for you to this day.

"I Better Hide"

No matter how it started, the greatest part of your shame is most likely well hidden from you and the world. Imagine there's a part of you that feels that there's something essentially flawed about you. The obvious, natural response would be to hide it and make the best of it. Over time you become used to hiding your shame. You tacitly accept that shame cannot be remedied. You act like it must be somehow endured, absorbed, gilded, minimized or denied. In short, it's shameful to be ashamed. Hiding shame only reinforces its power and fortifies it "truth."

Hiding Shame Costs Us

As shame thrives in the shadows of our psyche, we continue to interpret ourselves as shameful. You may feel ashamed of your income, your looks, or your social skills. You may feel inadequate about your home or your car. You may feel like you are not attractive as a lover, or you may feel that your life does not matter. When shame is present, there are very few things that can escape its grip.

Even when life throws you some good fortune, you can screw it up for fear of revealing the "truth" about you. Shame can be so painful that we develop countless coping strategies, conscious and unconscious, numbing and destructive, to avoid it.

For example, the shame-bound person has difficulty with intimate relationships. Feeling so bad about himself, he does not wish another to know him. What if you actually see the shameful person who is hiding? So he puts up a false front. He pretends. He postures and does all the things he believes will impress others. He stops short of doing that which is the essence of intimacy: to reveal oneself to another.

Perfectionism can also be the result of shame. A shame-bound person can become rigid and controlling. "Doing things right" can appear like a good idea when you "know" that you are not right. The hidden assumption is that you are not lovable but you can make up for it by doing everything right. But, even the smallest slip up stands as further proof of your being fundamentally flawed.

Let the Sunshine In

Shame cannot withstand the light because it is only an illusion. It's just like the boogeyman as children we believed lived in our bedrooms at night. The shadows play tricks on us. We get spooked and believe there's something real there. Switch on the lights and suddenly there's nothing there.

Remember that shame is not your fault. It is a natural response to hurtful events and a completely human way of coping. As you get in touch with your shame, you can face it. You can no longer be hurt by it. You do not need to feel ashamed of being ashamed. In the end, everything you feel shame about happened in the past, and the future is up to you.

Steps to Freedom

To be free of shame, you must face it. Here are some steps I have found to be successful in releasing shame:

1. Make a list of the things you are ashamed of. Being thorough here helps, but don't let this process get you depressed. It's best if you do it all at once and do it swiftly. Do not focus on any one thing. Just keep going. Survey your entire life and include everything you feel less than great about. Look for feelings of inadequacy, regret, guilt and dishonesty. Write down everything that comes to mind no matter how small or large it seems. Treat them all equally.

2. Tell someone. This is the beginning of letting the sunshine in. As soon after you complete the first step, find someone you feel comfortable enough with to risk being seen in your shame. Pick a private place without distractions and simply read each item from your list beginning with "I have been ashamed of..." Let yourself feel whatever feelings come up, but do not stop to focus on any one item. Do not rush through the list either.

3. Give it to God. If it is consistent with your spiritual beliefs, then give your shame to God or your higher power. Ask for your burden to be removed and to be forgiven for all that you are ashamed about.

4. Commit to telling the truth. By now you are probably seeing how you have actively withheld certain things from people. There are things you show and things you hide. If you are hiding something, it probably means you are ashamed of it. Now that you have a clean slate, keep it clean by simply saying what is true for you even if you are afraid of how people might react. This does not mean indiscriminately saying everything that crosses your mind. Trust that you will know what not to hide.

5. Get in touch with your personal values. Without shame acting as a motivator, you may not recognize yourself at first. Putting down the behaviors that you have developed to hide your shame will leave you with a void. Take stock in what is supremely important to you, and vow to live your life true to your values. This may mean coming clean with people in your life and making amends for what you have caused when you were ashamed.

"Just Be Yourself"

Shame is the greatest hazard to living a great life because its does its damage from the shadows while we try to cover its tracks. Each time shame strikes, it grows in strength and the consequences continue to mount. The work of getting free from shame will alter what you believe to be possible in your life and in your relationships with others.

The first time you look your shame squarely in the face can be tough. Your freedom may come easily or it may take some time. What's important is that you stop hiding what does not really exist. There is nothing shameful about shame.