Even before my appearance on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" as a life coach, I have been interested in the idea that gay people have a special contribution to make to the lives of straight people and to society at large. In fact, the whole Queer Eye phenomenon is based on an assumption that gay men know better, at least in some areas of life, than straight men. If we took that assumption beyond fashion, grooming, and interior design, what do you think we would find?

There’s a lot of noise today about homosexuality. Some prominent religious and political figures condemn gay people. The more rational-minded person concerns himself with the causes of being gay (see "60 Minutes", August 27, 2006), while the good-hearted dreamers keep reminding us that we are all the same. What gets lost in the collective conversation is that gay men and women have special gifts to bring to the table, hard-fought gifts we have won from our common experiences with prejudice and hostility in society.

From being “in the closet,” then “coming out” and dealing with unprovoked hatred, we gay people have much in common by virtue of our shared experiences. If you take the time to ask gay people what it was like growing up, you will hear common threads. My own experience is typical. I was raised in a small town where the words “gay” or “homo” did not exist except as insults. As I began to mature sexually, I had a grave yet wordless sense that something was not right. The experience was shame and the impulse was to hide. So, I hid for many years trying to act in ways that I thought were expected of me and pretending to have interests in the opposite sex. All of this was in isolation; I knew of no others having a similar struggle, so I felt alone.

Built-In Bullsh*t Detector

Having experienced being “in the closet,” we know how profoundly phony we can be, and yet we have to convince ourselves of the lie just to keep up the act 24/7. We know at some level that the inauthenticity we cultivate is unhealthy, but we keep it going just the same. In the closet, we are divided. We know ourselves to be gay by our secret thoughts and feelings, but we also know ourselves the way every other person knows us as straight.  

We continue in the madness because we’re told that we shouldn't exist and that our sexuality is wrong. We witness the consequences of others who come out, and we wonder if we’re being wise to stay in hiding or if we are simply cowards.

We have had reason to doubt ourselves, yes, but also to doubt the veracity of much of what we are told. Queer people are therefore skeptical of anything that will not allow the truth of our first-hand experience. You could say we have developed a built-in bullsh*t detector.

In the end, the result of living a dual life gives gay people a well-developed ability to discern between reality and illusion. This is a gift we need today when what's true and what's a lie is harder and harder to distinguish. With as much bullsh*t as there is today in politics and religion, we could learn a lot from a frank conversation with a gay person.

Identity Crisis, Please

Some say that when you’re confronting your own sexuality, you’re confronting yourself at the very deepest level of your being. As a life coach, I can tell you that few people get around to asking the most profound and most important questions in life: Who am I? and What is my life for? Many straight people don’t look at who they are at this level because it’s never a question. Deep existential questions of identity don’t often arise for heterosexuals because who they are in society is “normal.” They just get on with life.

I’m not claiming that straight people are all a bunch of unconscious animals. Nor am I saying that all gay people are automatically enlightened just by being gay. Admittedly, we are dealing with broad generalities here. In fact, there are corollary experiences you are familiar with, such as people from mixed cultures who don’t feel fully accepted by either culture.

To understand what I'm saying, you have to question the belief that gay people are different because of our attraction to the same sex. On the contrary, our distinctness actually comes from our shared experiences of being raised in a society that does not accept us for who we are.    

The singularity of the contemporary gay experience is unmistakable. Gay people know what it is like to question one’s identity and to have these existential questions thrust upon us at such an early age. Gay people have an inner awareness that is sharp and spiritual. It goes without saying that we could all benefit from taking a deeper look at ourselves and our lives.

Be Free, Be Happy

Then, there's our common experience of not fitting in. Our “queerness” also binds gay people far more than sexual orientation alone. To be the outsider, like being outside a wonderful party and only allowed to peer through the window: this has been our place. From our vantage point, we can see it all with detachment. We see the artifice, the pretense, of social norms, and we are not bought in. Given our options, we choose to be free to follow our own truths instead of obeying social and religious orthodoxies.

If you think you can tell someone is gay because “he acts gay,” let me tell you that what you are observing is someone who is not acting at all. It’s actually straight men and women who are doing the acting. Social enforcement of gender roles that have sway over straight people do not faze us. It’s the consolation prize for being the outsider: we don't have to play our prescribed roles. As a result, you see an ever expanding range of expressions from gay men and women that challenge what’s considered normal.

If you want to have fun, you can count on us. We are not just making the best of our situation, we’re having a ball! Frivolity and daring are gifts we bring to the world. We give you permission to experiment with self-expression, to see where you habitually censor yourself, and to let go of unnecessary restrictions. With gay people it’s contagious. You have permission to be free and to be happy.    

Choose Life!

Coming out of the closet has caused many of us to become more self-aware and has forced us to deal with identity issues before our straight brothers and sisters. As you may not know, however, many gay girls and boys don’t actually survive this crucible of adolescence. The rate of teen suicide among gays is higher than for straights. According to the Center for Disease Control/Massachusetts Department of Education Youth Risk Behavior Survey (1999), 33% of gay youth will attempt suicide. In fact, gay teen suicide attempts are four times that of heterosexual youth. 

Entertaining suicide has to be the greatest existential crisis of all. To pass through a dark night and survive, one has to choose to live and not just passively. Being gay today and facing hostility from society at large for simply being who we are, we gay men and women have had to say “yes!” to life and to affirm our lives with unusual vigor. If you ever find yourself wondering if living might not be worth it, just ask your gay neighbor or co-worker what they went through to be with you today. You’re likely to get a perspective on how precious life truly is.

But, We’re All Equal

A lot of good-hearted straight people miss the gifts we gay people offer today because they live in an imaginary utopian future. With a sincere belief that someday we will all live in harmony, they like to remind us that there’s no important difference between gay and straight. This dream is admirable, and yet it seems to deny the reality of our actual experiences and what we’ve gained by our trials and tribulations.

In a future society that freely acknowledges the whole spectrum of human sexuality, gay people will no longer be “queer” outsiders. Coming out will no longer be the same catalyst for self-realization that it is currently. Until then, however, I encourage you to get acquainted with gay people. Find out what they’ve learned and how you can benefit from their experiences. Look for the uncommon wisdom we have buried in our stories, stories of victory over our fears and feelings of worthlessness.

June is Pride Month

Yes, we have come a long way. More and more people understand that gays are not fundamentally different from others. We continue to fight for the honor we deserve. We will have equal protection under the law, we will have families, and we will be able to walk down the streets without concern for being attacked.

In honor of Gay Pride Month, I invite you to loosen up and have some fun. Look for the unexpected from the gay people in your life. If you’re straight, seek out gay people in your life today and ask them what it’s like being gay and what growing up was like. Tune your ears and listen for what’s valuable in our stories. You can come away with a new appreciation for what it takes to make your way in this world. You will receive the gifts of our hard-fought struggles to be freely ourselves, and you’ll know why we’re so proud.